eHarmony date was an eFailure
Believe it or not, my friend Susan is not the only woman who has dibs on interesting and creepy dating experiences. My friend Gayane, jealous of Susan’s newfound notoriety through my blog, has shared her latest date with me on eHarmony.
First, a quick update on Susan. Looking for better luck on the 50-plus dating scene, Susan decided to sell her condo, move into an apartment, furnish the entire apartment and start hosting dinner parties. After awhile, though, she got sick of eating leftover salmon. And so she was forced to go revisit the Land of Perpetual Optimism to see what men had joined the site since her last visit.
First, she amended her profile to make it sound, in her words, less like “someone who lives on a gerbil wheel,” and to present herself, instead, as someone who might actually have time to spend with prospective suitors.
Next, she expanded the upward age parameter of suitable men. She had stopped at 65 before, but now pushed the limit to 80 (the site actually takes men up to 99, presumably forcing centenarians to lie about their age.) I’ll let you know how that works!
Now, back to Gayane. For those of you who are unfamiliar with eHarmony, either because you are married or partnered or currently living in a bomb shelter snacking on canned peaches, eHarmony is an online dating site. It declares that you can “get deeply matched” with singles based on “29 Dimensions of Compatibility.” The Dimensions include everything a human being could possibly want in the area of compatibility. Apparently, Gayane had a decent match because they agreed to go on a date.
Gayane’s date asked her to meet him at a restaurant downtown, which turned out to be a pizza place. When Gayane walked in, his first words to her were “You’re short.” Since Gayane has been short for a good part of her life (babies are generally short anyway, so that part of her life doesn’t count), she was well aware of this condition. And, since she had clearly stated her height on her eHarmony profile, she assumed her date would know this as well.
The potential lovebirds sat down and her date pointed to her sweater and asked, “Do you always go to work like this?” Gayane assumed he was talking about her slight decolletage, or in baser terms, her cleavage. At that point, Gayane could imagine her friends telling her to leave immediately, but thoughts of her mom saying she should always go through with a commitment kept her seated.
The future soulmates opened their menus and, before Gayane could even decide on thin crust vs. regular, her date’s nose started to bleed. Gayane considered calling 911, but, as she reached into her purse to extract her cell phone, waiters appeared with stacks of paper towels. They kept bringing the towels and her date kept dabbing at his nose. Since no one had even called the waiters over, Gayane realize that that not only was her date a regular at the restaurant, his nosebleeds were as common to the waiters as pepperoni and sausage on the pizzas.
Gayane, recalling that his profile said he dabbled in magic, mentioned this to him both to distract him from the bleed out and to distract herself from the thought that she was having dinner with a coke addict. Her date put another napkin up to his nose, reached into his back pocket, took out a stack of cards and said, “Pick a card.” It’s unclear whether any food was actually eaten, or whether her date was able to correctly guess Gayane’s card.
Fortunately for Gayane, the ordeal took less than an hour. Her date rushed her out and said he had to get his car, because he had parked on the 45-minute level. (Gayane, herself, ever the optimist, had parked on the two-hour level). As they walked to the garage, he invited her to his place to hear classical music. She declined and said she had an important appointment.
Back at her apartment, she wrote to eHarmony and suggested that they add a 30th Dimension to their profiles, which would include infrequent nosebleeds.
Renee Fisher is a co-author of Invisible No More: The Secret Lives of Women Over 50. Visit lifeintheboomerlane.wordpress.com.