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Forever Young Information

Canada's Adult Lifestyle Publication

Message In A Bottle: Love Or Possible Groin Injury

By William Thomas
December 28, 2016 - 0 comments
A few years ago, a message in a bottle washed up on my beach here at Sunset Bay, Wainfleet. While reading a book on the break wall, I spotted it coming ashore - a glint of sunshine catching its metal cap as the green bottle bobbed and weaved, over one wave and under the next, rolling ever closer.  It was a bottle of L'Ambiance which is a fancy French word for "ambience," which is a fancy English word for "homemade."  (Put a photo of The King on the label and this stuff could double as Forever Elvis White.)
 
So I waded into the water and spotting paper inside, I ripped away at the cap thinking I've just come into possession of a winning lottery ticket or the map to the Lost Dutchman Gold Mine.  Maybe a Genie would pop out and grant me any wish in the world with the warning:  "But remember whatever you wish, your worst enemy gets double."  And with an Irish accent I would reply:  "Okay, here's his name and address, now beat me half to death."
 
But no, it was a hand-written one-page letter that read:  "To Whomever finds this:  (If you're not a man - pls throw it back.)
 
I'm searching, looking, seeking, require a man who knows joy; joy of life, joy of living.  Joy in degrees closer to that of angels - but which can be experienced on this planet, in this life.
 
Someone who looks from within with eyes that see, who feels with a heart that loves, who hears with ears that know life is good; it's real (insert very bad word here) good.
 
We're on a journey, this life.  Let's grab it by the (insert very bad, anatomical, plural slang word here) and go to heights not commonly experienced by humans - drug & alcohol free.
 
Interested.  You'll know me by the look in my eyes.”  It was signed, “A soul mate."  And there's a happy face at the bottom of the page which looks exactly like Conan O'Brien.
 
Wow!  Where normally there might be driftwood or algae, on that day my beach had become a dating service!
 
On the surface it appears pretty simple.  Here is a woman looking for a man with good eyesight, a sound cardiovascular system and ears unencumbered by hearing aids.  And a man who recognizes life to be good, real ... ah ... good.  This is a woman who does not want a relationship with either a drug user or a falling down drunk.  Picky, picky, picky.
 
On closer inspection I see a complicated person who's probably addicted to Touched By An Angel reruns, walking around humming "Feelings" all day.  On the one hand, she wants a man who's alcohol free, yet she sends her message in an empty wine bottle, the contents of which I assume gave her the courage to write this letter in the first place.  Sorry but men cannot accept a woman who employs double standards ... because that's our "Get Outta Jail Free" card.  Okay?
 
This is a woman who desperately wants Mr. Right but what she really needs is a wine appreciation course.  Something unoaked with a nose of blueberries and leather in the $15 range is going to send out a much better message.  Altogether now:  "I'm all out of love, I'm so lost without you."
 
Personally, I think she'd make a better first impression when she meets her man if she just shakes his hand.  That life grabbin' business is going to send a potential soul mate soaring to heights not commonly experience by humans, if you know what I mean.  Right after they meet, you'll recognize the lucky guy by the fear in his eyes and the protective cup strapped on the outside of his jeans.  Bottom line:  my blue box also rejected the empty L'Ambiance bottle.
 
For comments and ideas, or a copy of The Legend of Zippy Chippy, go to www.williamthomas.ca
 

 

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