Message In A Bottle: Love Or Possible Groin Injury
December 28, 2016 - 0 comments
A few years ago, a message in a bottle washed up on my beach here at Sunset Bay, Wainfleet. While reading a book on the break wall, I spotted it coming ashore - a glint of sunshine catching its metal cap as the green bottle bobbed and weaved, over one wave and under the next, rolling ever closer. It was a bottle of L'Ambiance which is a fancy French word for "ambience," which is a fancy English word for "homemade." (Put a photo of The King on the label and this stuff could double as Forever Elvis White.)
So I waded into the water and spotting paper inside, I ripped away at the cap thinking I've just come into possession of a winning lottery ticket or the map to the Lost Dutchman Gold Mine. Maybe a Genie would pop out and grant me any wish in the world with the warning: "But remember whatever you wish, your worst enemy gets double." And with an Irish accent I would reply: "Okay, here's his name and address, now beat me half to death."
But no, it was a hand-written one-page letter that read: "To Whomever finds this: (If you're not a man - pls throw it back.)
I'm searching, looking, seeking, require a man who knows joy; joy of life, joy of living. Joy in degrees closer to that of angels - but which can be experienced on this planet, in this life.
Someone who looks from within with eyes that see, who feels with a heart that loves, who hears with ears that know life is good; it's real (insert very bad word here) good.
We're on a journey, this life. Let's grab it by the (insert very bad, anatomical, plural slang word here) and go to heights not commonly experienced by humans - drug & alcohol free.
Interested. You'll know me by the look in my eyes.” It was signed, “A soul mate." And there's a happy face at the bottom of the page which looks exactly like Conan O'Brien.
Wow! Where normally there might be driftwood or algae, on that day my beach had become a dating service!
On the surface it appears pretty simple. Here is a woman looking for a man with good eyesight, a sound cardiovascular system and ears unencumbered by hearing aids. And a man who recognizes life to be good, real ... ah ... good. This is a woman who does not want a relationship with either a drug user or a falling down drunk. Picky, picky, picky.
On closer inspection I see a complicated person who's probably addicted to Touched By An Angel reruns, walking around humming "Feelings" all day. On the one hand, she wants a man who's alcohol free, yet she sends her message in an empty wine bottle, the contents of which I assume gave her the courage to write this letter in the first place. Sorry but men cannot accept a woman who employs double standards ... because that's our "Get Outta Jail Free" card. Okay?
This is a woman who desperately wants Mr. Right but what she really needs is a wine appreciation course. Something unoaked with a nose of blueberries and leather in the $15 range is going to send out a much better message. Altogether now: "I'm all out of love, I'm so lost without you."
Personally, I think she'd make a better first impression when she meets her man if she just shakes his hand. That life grabbin' business is going to send a potential soul mate soaring to heights not commonly experience by humans, if you know what I mean. Right after they meet, you'll recognize the lucky guy by the fear in his eyes and the protective cup strapped on the outside of his jeans. Bottom line: my blue box also rejected the empty L'Ambiance bottle.
For comments and ideas, or a copy of The Legend of Zippy Chippy, go to www.williamthomas.ca